My friends and I had just finished an evening of killing millions of brain cells, punishing our livers and increasing the chances of an early grave exponentially when suddenly a pang of hunger struck me like an overgrown rhinoceros in the Serengeti protecting it’s territory. To what do my wandering eyes should appear but a hot dog stand with crowds milling near. And I in a puddle and my friends following fast; it is hunger we needed to quell with our quickly diminishing cash.
The timeless ritual of buying a hot dog at 2 o’clock in the morning when your vision is blurry and you can’t walk properly is a rite of passage for millions of people across the planet. In Windsor, we have our own brand of “Street Meat” which, to my knowledge, has never properly been reviewed by anyone, ever. So, for the first time in recorded history, I will review a hot dog stand, using a simple method of getting incredibly and (possibly) dangerously drunk. I will then try my best to actually remember everything about my hot dog buying and eating experience.
Hot Dog Stand
Address: Somewhere on Ouellette Avenue, I think.
Phone Number: I have no idea, I didn’t ask for the guy’s phone number.
Nearest Transit: I don’t think buses run that late, but there’s a lot of taxi cabs down there.
Hours: I’m not sure. I think it’s open around 9pm, maybe earlier, I don’t know. All I know is that I went there at 2am, or maybe it was 1:30. So at least you know it’s open really late on a weekend.
Parking: Street, parking garage, on someone’s lawn.
Accepts Credit Cards: No. Believe me, I asked.
Price Range: Pretty cheap. From what I remember it was less than five dollars, but there’s the fancier type of street meat that’s a little more expensive.
Attire: What ever the hell you want to wear, wear it. I saw one girl with what looked like half a pint of Long Island Iced Tea spilled all over her and she still got to buy some food, so they don’t really care. Just don’t be naked.
Good For Groups: Yes. Just make sure you can all wait in line.
Good For Kids: In the daytime, sure. At that hour, absolutely not.
Takes Reservations: As funny as it would be to ask them if they take reservations, I never asked. I’m sure they don’t, but if you want to make your friends laugh, go ahead and ask a street vendor if they take reservations. You’d probably make their night.
Delivery: The only way they deliver is if you get a friend to go down to a stand and get one for you. I “delivered” one to a friend of mine who needed to sit down and fall asleep at a nearby bus stop.
Take Away: Yes.
Waiter Service: No. But it would be really funny if hot dog stands had waiters. Maybe I should dress up in a nice tuxedo and offer to be a hot dog stand’s waiter for an evening. I can do a mean British accent, too. My French accent needs work, so I’d sound more like a butler.
Outdoor Seating: Technically, yes. A nice comfortable curb or a cushy gutter could be an inviting place to rest your intoxicated bones.
Wi-Fi: No, but that would be both amazing and hilarious if a hot dog stand provided wi-fi to their customers.
Good For: Lunch, Dinner, drunk people, people who have the munchies, people who need to eat something before they pass out, people at baseball games, people who can’t wait to get home and eat something, people too lazy to cook, people who don’t want to go to any of the other 1,000 fast food places downtown.
Alcohol: We’ve all had enough, really.
Noise Level: Depending on the number of drunk girls yelling, “WOOOOOOOO”. It could be anywhere from 83 decibels to 198.
Ambiance: See Above.
Has TV: I wish.
Overall Rating – 3 1/2 – 5 nearly empty bottles of mustard.
Brendan Houghton is the editor, publisher, and main writer and smart ass at the Windsor Naysayer. The Naysayer is a satirical news/current events website based out of Windsor Ontario. You can visit his website at www.thewindsornaysayer.com