Recipe: Serrano Ham and Bocconcini Crostini (With a Side of Avoidance)

Pot luck dinners with your co-workers are a trap. They seem like a great idea when you are discussing a staff social in a meeting, but they are a festival to twice heated, over cooked yuck. I find large groups of people difficult to handle with my anxiety. It is actually a common trigger for many people with anxiety disorders. As a rule I would avoid them at all costs, but if you cannot avoid having to attend I have an action plan for you.

1. Volunteer to Prepare an H’orderve: You have already won, you food will be eaten first while people haven’t had their stomach filled with greasy chicken wings, or the dreaded vegetarian lasagne that always gets raved about by only the women who over eagerly volunteers to make on every occasion.*

2. Show Up To The Party Early: You know you don’t want to stay and hear about how well your co-workers kids are doing, at in their advanced play course, after they have had their strawberry margarita. You get in early under the guise of getting your h’orderve heated, and then you bail out early, before the human resource department starts trying to make people feel included.

3. Help Out the Host: You need to have a solid conversation with the host, who will remember how sweet you were for the next few years, after you help them with a few set up tasks. Yah that’s right, I am telling you to go to a party to do work. This work will pay off in spades when the host defends your surly attitude with the girls from accounts payable and your early exit.

4. Make This Recipe: It’s easy, it tastes amazing, and when you make something good you will look like a brooding food genius and not the twitchy person who keeps eye fucking the exit.

The Recipe:


1 Stick of fresh french bread.

4 shallots medium chop

1/4 cup salted butter

1 tbs red chill flakes

1 tbs brown sugar.

canola oil

1 lb of shaved Serrano Ham**

10 pearls of Bocconcini

Sea Salt

Directions(Phase 1): Start by sweating the shallots in the canola oil at medium low hear. Keep the shallots moving because they are more delicate than onion. They also caramelize faster than onions, but we are going to take a camelization short cut*** because you don’t love these people you are cooking for. When the onions are sweated add your red pepper flakes, butter, and brown sugar. Continue to cook this mixture until the shallots brown. This should take 5 or 6 minutes. You then pour the contents of the pan through a strainer into a bowl. This will separate your shallots and the sweet and spicy shallot butter you are going to butter your french beard with.

Grab your ham and get pieces of the meat that are about the size of the palm of your hand. Place small amount of the shallots in the middle of the ham and wrap it up into a little shalloty ham parcel. Do 20 of these.

Cut the french stick about 3/4 of an inch thick. You should get about 20 pieces out of your run of the mill french stick. By now the compound butter will have started to harden. Spread the butter onto the bread and then place your ham and onion ball onto the bread. Put them on a baking sheet and cover with foil. Bring your container of Bocconcini with you.

Directions(Phase 2): Once you get to your location remove the foil. Cut your pearls of Bocconcini in half and place the cheese on top of the pouch of ham and shallot. Then sprinkle with sea salt. Put the over on broil, let it heat up and insert baking sheet and watch until the cheese has melted. Then pass them around like that project manager at least years pot luck.

Now you have been equipped with the perfect recipe and the perfect battle plan for getting through this year’s potluck. You can thank me by liking my Facebook page.

*No man, gay or straight, has ever produced a vegetarian lasagna that he would ever think to unleash on the world. We are secretly a prideful gender. Also as a general rule for everyone in the world. Your no bake cheese cake sucks, it has always sucked and it will always suck.  It’s SOOOOOOOO easy and it tastes like a lie with a graham cracker crust.

** Serrano Ham is similar to Prociutto but it’s from Spain, it has a little more smokiness and it’s usually a little cheaper.

*** Caramelization is a little tricky with shallots you really need to pay attention and give a crap. Adding some brown sugar will kick the caramelization process into gear as soon as the shallots are sweated and a 35 minute task becomes a 15 minute task.